Where I show a dirty secret

Sunday, February 21, 2010

So this post is going to be really embarrassing, but my thoughts were to publish it and maybe it would encourage me to never let it happen again. And I thought somebody might have a little chuckle at my expense.

I cleaned out my car on Saturday and OMG it was incredibly, terribly bad.
It was by far the worst any car of mine has ever been.
Let me break it down for you.

This is just the recycling. It appears that I read a lot of papers.

The trash was just a little out of control!

Here are some fun numbers:
7 plastic bags
4 unopened bags of chips
1 x-mas bag

7 magazines and countless papers

41, yes, 41 receipts
maybe I'll do a post sometime on why exactly we keep all of our receipts
there is a purpose to this, I promise.

An air mattress and sheets/comforter
3 pairs of shoes
5 coats
4 books
1 case of water

So that was how I spent my Saturday afternoon. Hope everybody had a nice weekend!


The Road to Hell Part 2

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

If you are just tuning in, you should read Part 1 "The Bitch is Back" first.

So, steroid cream in tow I head home, slather myself, and go about my business. This is a Friday. I should tell you that I had had a little sore throat/tickle that was making me cough for a couple of days. Nothing that couldn't be taken care of with advil. BUT. Sometime Saturday night somebody came over and hit me in the face with a brick cause Sunday, full on sinus infection complete with a cough that hit about twice a minute from all the damn nasal drip.

The day the shit hit the fan

No sleep, and with a head that was falling off, I go to the doctor Monday and he prescribes me an antibiotic. I get it filled. I take one and as I always do I read the side effects. I made a huge mistake here. I GOOGLE a couple of the big words I don't understand. and OMG this shit can cause 2 blood diseases that can be fatal. and something called Steven Johnson Syndrome (resist the urge to look this up, trust me) This shit is going to kill me.

Now, I dont know how much you know about people that have severe anxiety and or panic attacks but lets see if I can explain what this is like.

Off of the medicine I seemed to be doing ok, but in actuality it looks more like that. Hanging on by a thread and it only takes a couple of things to bust that last intact line.
So, my line in effect snapped and I was thrown full force back into being anxious and literally thinking I was going to die. The problem with anxiety is it literally causes physical symptoms, so not only is your brain messing with you, but so is your body.

I didn't want to be alone. I was anxious all day and night and throw the actual attacks in there and let me just tell u that I was a crazy person. I couldn't cook/clean house/fix my hair/get online, nothing. The only thing that made it better was a bottle of wine and ativan. (healthy!)

I made it a couple of days on the antibiotic and I had to go back to the doctor. It was just too much. My mom went with me, and after they took my bp etc (which was way high..those physical symptoms) I sat and cried and told my doctor what happened. and that this antibiotic was going to kill me and OMG ya'll it was a MESS. He ordered me back on my zoloft after a lengthy discussion about health of me and pregnancy etc. He also told me that I could stop the antibiotic, which I did the next day.

The Recovery

I started back on the Zoloft the next day. Not being new to the drug, I knew I had a small journey ahead of me before I started feeling better. Zoloft affects everybody differently but for some people, me included, it makes them more anxious before it levels them out and starts to help. ::see me hitting my head against the wall:: For me it also causes severe headaches for about a week. Which of course makes the anxiety convince you that you have a brain tumer or an anyerism, cause anxiety is your friend like that.

About 12-14 days after starting back I started to feel better. The adjustment was small, just a little better everyday. Lately, I feel almost completely myself. Which is a wonderful feeling. I lost time in those few weeks. I can't get those days back. I neglected my friends, myself, my home, my IF boards, my blog.

Through out this time my mom, bless her, came everyday and took me to lunch and stayed so that I wouldn't have to be home alone until the hubbs got home. She lives 25 minutes away and completely rearranged her schedule to take care of me until the "crazies" went away. She really means everything to me. I couldn't have gotten through this without her.

And I am now under strict rules to not look up any medical shit on the internet.


The Bitch is Back!

or more appropriately titled:
Why the road to hell really is paved with good intentions.

So my dear friends it has been a while hasn't it? I do apologize for the lengthy absence. Things have been interesting (read: effing nuts) around here in bitter land. Let's just jump right in shall we?

About 5 months ago I decided that it would be a good idea (do you see where this is going?) to wean myself off of zoloft. My intentions were for the best, I didn't want to be on it when we finally got pregnant. I wanted to be as natural as I could be etc. My heart was in the right place and for several months my body seemed to agree.

Let's jump to January, when all of a sudden several things happened in rapid succession. A promotion we were counting on heavily for career advancement aka (huge raise with tons of benefits) falls through. Baby dreams start falling apart, cause I don't know if you are aware, but this infertility shit aint no joke financially.

I find out my dad who is one of the most healthy people I know, has to have a procedure done on his heart, cue me freaking out.

Then one day I wake up to red whelps on my right side. 48 hours later I have whelps on my right side, left side, up and down my spine, my neck, around my hips and breasts, and starting on my face and OMG the ITCHING people!! I make an emergency appointment with the Dermatologist, and after 50 questions "have you changed detergent?" "have you bought any new clothing?" and answering no to everything they asked, it was determined that I had a full on flare of hives all over my body and severe dry skin. BTW, this was after I had to tell the 3 doctors crowded around me examining and touching all the whelps, all about our infertility, because they had to know if there was ANY way I could be pregnant and "when did you ovulate?" and omg make it stop!
::deep breath::
No, I responded, we have severe infertility issues, my husband has azoospermia/I do not ovulate properly etc.
I'll give you 3 guesses what the head doctor told me.
I bet you only needed one guess... With a smile on her face she so graciously bestowed upon me the famous "Miracles Happen!" line followed by a story of someone she knew who's husband had azoo and they got pregnant because he had 1 sperm.

So, I graciously bestowed upon her the fact that it wouldn't matter if he had 16 million because he's still missing the tubes to get them to where they need to go, but thanks for ruining my day, I bet you got three kids at home, all accidents.
Ok, ok so I didn't really say that last part, at least not out loud.

Well, this is starting to look like a small novel so I think I should probably break it into 2 parts.

Stay tuned for Part 2: The day the shit hit the fan, and the recovery that followed.


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