You know you have a wonderful mom, when she pays for one of your RE visits as one of your Christmas presents.
What better gift could she give to us when we are OOP and struggling to make it all work.
I pink puffy heart my MOM!
D and I went to dinner last night with my mom and my sister. We were having a great time eating mexican food until my mom asked D what he wanted for christmas.
"a baby"
my heart hurts
it was the only thing he asked for.
Bissells Little Green Machine for the carpet that's left in the bedrooms
50 mm lens for my Canon Rebel XTI. DH dropped my camera and fucked up my lens
Via Spiga 'Nevin' Boot from Nordstrom
I know this is kinda old, but it has resurfaced and I still think this should be required viewing for all women and especially younger girls.
written 10.2.2009
So when we went to the Urologist last week I asked that a few other things be looked at before/in conjunction with the biopsy. I just needed to make sure that everything was checked into, and we weren't just doing what was doctors protocol says to do. We ran into a little problem when the doc couldn't find DH's vas deferens. Yeah, those are kind of needed considering they carry the sperm from, well you can look at the picture and see, they meet with the seminal vesicle and make up the ejaculatory duct. So they are just a little on the important side if you are, you know, trying to have a baby and you need the sperm to be able to leave his body and get into mine.
Doc spent 15 mins trying and could only say that he definitely didn't think there were 2 and was not very confident that there was one at all, and if there was one it was very small. Fucking Yay! Could be CBAVD (congenital bilateral absence of the vas deferens) so we ran a blood panel looking for CF (cystic fibrosis) markers. Men who have CBAVD are usually carriers of CF even if they don't have the condition.
Fuck me sideways, are you serious? is all I could think as the doc is talking to me. DH got a little happy that there might be sperm and they just couldnt get out. I'm sitting in the chair ::head:wall:: and have to tell him that although that sounds great the problem with this new finding is that it brings on a whole new slew of issues about genetic testing and statistics of passing CF to our child if we were to use his sperm... (that is if this is the problem and there are actually sperm) the whole time the doctor is looking at me the way a dog does a weird sound. He makes some joke about how he's not even needed, and I seem to really know my stuff. to which I am thinking how can people really go into an office blindly knowing nothing and take a doctors word for everything just cause he has a little more education?..I am sure you see where I'm going with this. I kindly say something about "the more knowledge the better"
So in addition to blood work DH had an ultrasound yesterday. We are waiting on the results for both tests. If it is CBAVD I think that we will probably move directly to donor sperm, which is something we had already come to terms with. I will have to do some more research on all of this before we make any kind of decision.
At least we didnt have to talk too much about them doing a biopsy today, since we will want to find out if cbavd is the issue first..more tests and more waiting.
Oh I promised a funny didnt I?
So as it turns out the Doc was one of DH's recent customers. In fact both of the doctors in the practice were his customers. How do you have a business conversation and maintain your dignity with someone who just had their finger up your ass?
Two more days until DH and I get to sit in an office and talk to the urologist about cutting open my husbands balls. This is not something that either one of us is looking forward to, but I probably didn't need to tell you that did I? Luckily I have an amazing husband and he is willing to do whatever it takes for us to have a baby even if it means taking what the doctors say is only a "pea sized" amount of tissue out of both of his testicles. As if the fact that they aren't taking half the testicle but only a small amount is supposed to make my husband feel any better.
The point of this lovely procedure is to see if there is sperm being made and just not making its way out. The hope is that they are able to see sperm in the testicles and we will be able to just extract them with a needle "TESE" (which also sounds like boat loads of fun) when we do our IVF.
If there is no sperm seen then our only way of making a baby is going to be with donor sperm.
Don't they all just seem like great solutions/outcomes?
So as I drink my wine tonight I think I shall toast: "To finding sperm" and a big fat "FUIF"
written August 5, 2009
That is what I felt when I got DH's SA results today. We both knew it would be bad. But catastrophic I just wasn't prepared for. I don't think there has been much that competes with seeing those zeros all the way down the page and feeling your dreams fill up your eyes and pour out onto your face as your hope for getting pregnant is washed away with your tears. Those 3 words "no sperm seen" cut like a knife into our hope for a family. All that came out of my mouth was "Fuck, Fuck, FUCK" as I tried to pull myself together enough that I could go back to work, red faced, resembling and feeling something like a punching bag. After making it through the rest of the workday I did the only thing that makes me feel better. I crawled into bed with a giant glass of wine and a book and waited for DH to come home.
written July 24, 2009
Today marks the official day that we start trying to figure out why we can't conceive you on our own. I wish that it would be easy on us and that we could make you out of nothing but our love but it doesn't seem to be the path we are to take. Your father and I have decided to take it all the way, whatever it takes to get you here. Your father is an amazing man. I cant wait to see his face when he sees you for the first time. We know it could be a long and painful journey, but it will all be worth it to look into your eyes and be able to hold you one day. I think about you often and wonder what you will be like, who you will take after. I sometimes stick my belly out and imagine that you are in there already. You can not imagine how much you will be loved. I cant wait to meet you.
Love,
Mom
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